We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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