My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
