It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
