i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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