Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
