so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
