If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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