Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Randomize
