Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
