Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
