I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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