So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
