I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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