I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
