Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
