I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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