Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
