I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
sex in a hospital.. check
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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