i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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