Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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