just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
