i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
