under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
