I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize