Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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