Don't make out with my wife yet
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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