im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
