benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
