If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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