i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize