he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
