I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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