After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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