dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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