Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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