LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
