So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
