Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sext me about skeletons
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
