My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
