I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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