Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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