so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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