Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
