I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
