Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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