you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
No subtext here. People are naked.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize