i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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