my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
