I didn't shave. On purpose
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I have feelings that need drinking.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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