I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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