So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
