the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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