There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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