So gin and wine won't be happening again
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
