i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
