Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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