I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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