it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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