I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
