so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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