It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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