If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I want to be your penis for a week.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
